Shall We Be Friends With Our Children?

For sure, you have heard the phrase: “My daughter is like my best friend” or vice versa. In this article, we will talk about this topic and we will take some considerations up to answer the question according to whether we should be best friends with our children or not.

Nowadays, the relationship between parents and children has changed. It is no longer an authoritarian, strict relationship with set boundaries that makes the relationship narrow and informal. Today, it is common for us to behave like friends with our children rather than being parents.

Furthermore,  there are many parents who argue that being their children’s confidant and friend is a good way to raise and educate them. 

The relationship between parents and children today

The relationship that most parents have with their children in our time is characterized by being a close relationship. This is true even in  the most complex stage, which is youth. 

Today, there are many parents who try to be more in touch with their children. They try to spend more time with them, be aware of what they are doing, their style and their tastes as well as sharing their time and hobbies with them. 

Many parents have a desire to establish a friendly relationship with their children. Sometimes, it is not easy to distinguish between who it is that sets boundaries and has the authority. Is it the parents or is it the children?

Children of previous generations would ask for permission to go out or to do things. Today, they simply inform or give notice. Even the way children talk and address their parents has changed. Now, it’s not that strict.

Why it is not advisable to be friends with our children

While the relationship between parents and children has changed over the course of history, parents should be careful when switching to a way of raising or establishing a relationship with their children that is reminiscent of a “friendship”.

First of all, there are certain social roles that have a purpose. This means that they fulfill certain functions in the relationship between people. Therefore, we must not lose sight of the fact that being a parent is a social role. That is why parents should instill authority and set boundaries. This, of course, must always be done through dialogue, trust, respect and love. 

Second, there are some parents who cannot be friends with their children because it would involve maintaining this role in every single circumstance of life, which is impossible. It is precisely the children who sometimes require authority, presence and adult recognition. They are the ones who need restrictions based on maturity and experience.

The answer to the question of whether we should be friends with our children or not is “no”. Alicia Banderas claims, in her book Little Tyrants,  that  parents cannot be friends with their children and that their educational task is to find a balance between authority and affection. 

The author claims that parents should know how to set boundaries in time, to prevent children from becoming true tyrants. 

Establishing a friendly relationship is not the same as being friends with our children

Instead of being friends with our children, we parents can try to build a friendly relationship with them, without turning off our roles as parents. In order to establish a friendly relationship with our children, we should keep in mind that:

• It is okay to talk, argue and negotiate boundaries, but it is essential to establish them. Parents should know how to say no to their children and give their children enough reasons why the answer is so.

• It is good to demonstrate affection, tightness and body contact. Without the need to be friends with their children,  parents can create a loving relationship with them, creating dialogue and fluid communication. 
• While  friendships build a lot of trust, that does not mean that children cannot share their worries, needs, joys, and fears with their parents. Therefore, it is important that parents build enough trust with their children so that they feel they can share their problems with them. However, children also need to know how to accept the opinions and advice that their parents give them.

Without a doubt, a friendly relationship with our children is….

… A healthy, open, honest, flexible and communicative parent-child relationship. It is also important to have a relationship based on respect for parental authority and children’s acceptance of fair and agreed boundaries.

Unlike being friends with our children, it is possible to reconcile authority and love in a friendly relationship. It is essential for children to understand that their parents’ decisions and actions have no intention other than the best, safety and happiness of their children.